Welcome to the first ever post on my blog (and hopefully the last) to require a graphic content warning. Seriously, some of this is really disgusting, but I won’t apologize. Everything here reflects my real, personal experiences. Read at your own will.
So, without further ado, here are five and a half important, uncomfortable, and even downright gross lessons I’ve learned in the last year and a half.
0.5. Kids are germ factories.
This is not an Armenia-specific lesson. But wow, kids are gross. They’re always sticky, they touch everything, and in the case of my least-favorite Armenian child: they bite. I almost always have a cold or sinus infection in Armenia and it cannot be a coincidence that I teach children.
1. High heels change your trajectory on a squat toilet.
A lesson I have learned twice – because I have only wound up on a squat toilet in heels twice and the episodes were more than a year apart. This is a lesson that will never stick, sadly, because thankfully it’s not a frequent situation I find myself in.
2. Recycled toilet paper is not the way forward for a better earth – or for your sensitive areas.
At first I thought recycled toilet paper was The Thing that Armenia was doing that America needed to get on board with. But nope, nope, nope, not worth it. Sorry, Earth. I feel like this is mostly very self-explanatory.
3. Good toilet paper is very important.
The stereotype is true; Peace Corps Volunteers really do talk about our poop a lot. Because holy shit – pun intended – our poop is really weird most of the time. This isn’t unique to the America-Armenia transition, most volunteers around the globe struggle with digestive adjustment. But yeah, that recycled toilet paper isn’t going to cut it. Treat yourself to some Selpak if you ever find yourself in Armenia, it’s four-ply!
4. Food poisoning is inevitable.
I went twenty-three years in the States without ever knowing the joys of food poisoning. But I’ve made up for lost time by getting food poisoned roughly 23 times in the past 21 months. Sometimes, this was self-inflicted – you try cooking chicken on an electric cooktop from the 1960s. But sometimes, it was inevitable. Even with a bad feeling that you should definitely not eat the turkey that’s been sitting on a shelf overnight or try the homemade yogurt drink since you’re already allergic to dairy – it’s impossible to say no sometimes. You have to bite the bullet of food poisoning to be a part of the family, to celebrate the holidays with those around you, and to remind you that in time, death will come to us all. But don’t worry, it’s not your time yet.
5. Used feminine hygiene products make great kindling.
Now, this one seems really counter-intuitive. Surely something that has absorbed so much liquid will not be an effective fire-starter. Well, you’re as wrong as I once (or twice, or several times) was desperate and cold. Used feminine products are so plastic-y that they go up instantly and burn hot, while the retained moisture keeps them burning longer, allowing your wood time to warm up and catch.
And let’s be honest, if you’re that cold, the smell will be the least of your worries.
Wishing all my fellow PCVs around the globe a warm winter!
Bonus pro-tip: If it’s too cold to go outside to your outhouse in the middle of the night – pee in a soup pot in your living room! Be very careful not to trip over the pot. You’re welcome!
Alyza in Armenia 